ARGH!

I'm losing my mind at this job. Which is kind of ironic considering I work with crazy people and am supposed to be the sane one that everyone comes to for help and stability.


Seriously though, I am so unhappy. Is this what happens when you reach the burnout stage but you don't have the means to just put in your two weeks? I wouldn't know, this is the first real job I've ever had, and have been here for over 2 years. When I was younger I would grow to hate my job, then just blow it off. I had my family to lean on. I didn't have the responsibility of rent, bills, a car payment. DAMN IT!


I need to stay focused on my goals, but it is so difficult when I have to come here and deal with the same shit day in and day out for a large chunk of my time every week. How do I maintain any perspective? It would be easier if my goals were more clear, but when have I ever had clear goals? So far, just one goal remains concrete: to pay off all credit card debt in 5 months. Now that feels good to write. And once I have reached that goal, I will be much more free to dream about the others (SF or South America, or Europe?).


SF: I would LOVE to move there and start over in a new city full of possibilities. Problem is, it's ungodly expensive, plus, what if I end up at a job just like this one???? Even SF wouldn't be enough to make me happy.


South America: My next adventure. Can I wait until after I move to SF to go? Honestly, I don't think I can. That's 5 (plus) months without a vacation. I don't know if I can deal. I can hardly go 3 months without some sort of break. Plus, I can't afford to live in SF and go to S.A. It's got to be one or the other for now. If I listen to my heart, it's the traveling option that would make me happy. I want to travel indefinitely.


Europe: I've wanted to live there since I came back from my trip, but it seems very hard. Not impossible, just difficult. Language barriers, money exchange rate, etc. Still, it's something I will do at some point.


For now, I have to be satisfied with my dreams, my once-a-week Spanish class, Italian class in June, and vegan cooking. I plan to join a Spanish speaking group as well. *sigh*